Yikes.

So now I'm having the kind of exam crisis that can only come at noon the Friday before a Monday exam. I have NO desire to study at all. I want to go for a run, and play, and blog, and sleep, and eat, and repeat. I need to turn off this computer. Then maybe I'll get something done.

Wow...I'm actually studying!

Okay, so my update is sadly that I *haven't* been studying. I've been doing endless useful things that are not actually the same thing as studying for exams. I've gotten up, gotten dressed, eaten breakfast, checked my email, checked my bank accounts, checked my phone messages...you get the idea. Today, we decided not to have classes so we could study. Um. Maybe I should use that time to -- well, you get the idea.

I wish I had a cure for procrastination. And don't say, "Just do it." If you aren't a born procrastinator, you have no idea what I'm talking about. You're probably a natural morning person, too.

Two things that have always worked are 1) getting excited about what I'm learning, and 2) getting scared at the idea of failing an exam, or doing poorly and feeling crappy about myself.

"I can't believe I'm actually blogging about something medical, but here goes. We have an exam coming up, and unlike all the other medical students I know, we are covering the hepatic system this time, not renal. I'm so excited. I actually am reading about portal hypertension and hypersplenism and all this stuff that fits the pieces of the puzzle together in ways that make sense. Score! I will edit this post with more later. But thank goodness I'm actually studying.

Finally, shout out to my mom, who was maligned on a previous post. She's a goddess in disguise, actually. Yup. Be jealous.

Love to all my fellow medical student exam-preppers."

Califorganification

So I'm much more upbeat now...and what I want to write about is being swept up in the California organic movement. After reading the well-written but not-so-well-edited book 'Gorgeously Green' by Sophie Uliano, I became a slow convert. It's not just the health benefits, which she emphasizes. It's good not to have pesticides and hormones in working environments, it's good to be eco-friendly and not consume in ways that can't continue for our kids and their kids, and it's good to support small and independent businesses, which are often the ones developing eco-friendly, organic products (especially in beauty).

Even in a down economy, people still care about the environment, and farm laborer working conditions, and not putting pesticides on said workers or into their own (the consumers') bodies. I know Alice Waters and Chez Panisse put the whole 'local, organic, California' thing on the map eons ago, but now it is so mainstream that there are a million Whole Foods chains in the Bay Area alone. And the parking lots are always crowded, may it remain so.

Which brings me to my next point: although popularly known as Whole Paycheck, I have not found Whole Foods to be that expensive. In fact, when I comparison shop at Safeway, I get a much better value for money. Today, I bought the following:


Produce: All local, some organic
-Baby spinach, pre-washed in a recyclable container
-Oranges
-Apples
-Mini bananas
-Carrots

Dairy:
-Plain yogurt, organic low fat
-Milk in a recyclable gallon jug, organic nonfat
-Cottage cheese, organic low fat
-Goat cheese

Grains:
-Cereal, Kashi
-Couscous, organic
-Whole wheat english muffins
-Whole wheat bread
-Whole grain crackers

Meat:
-Canned tuna, no preservatives
-Turkey bacon, no preservatives
-Boca burgers, organic (okay, not real meat, but whatever)

Cleaning supplies:
- Two boxes 100% recycle, 80% post-consumer face tissue
- Eight rolls of recycled toilet paper from 7th Generation
- Earth-friendly dishwashing liquid

Other:
-100% cranberry juice
-Honey bear
-Face scrub
-Dark chocolate, fair trade 88%
- Baby bib, powder, and toy, all organic or eco-friendly & talc-free

This is enough food to last me and whoever comes over for food for at least two weeks, some for a month, and it's good quality food. Not a single item in here contains high fructose corn syrup or trans fats, and a lot of it is whole grain and either organic, local, or both. The baby stuff is part of a gift package for a new-mom friend of mine.

The entire bill? $134.32. Including the baby present.

I also am excited about the gradual organification of my bath & beauty routine. I try to buy things without parabens and synthetic fragrances at the very least. I also avoid petroleum-based ingredients wherever possible. The cosmetics safety database, known as Skin Deep, rates cosmetic products based on available safety data:

http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/wordsearch_free.php?query=facial%20scrub&&order=webscore&&start=240&nothanks=1

I try not to go above a 4. Sometimes I do. Oh, well. I'm trying. Right now, I'm experimenting with some products from Juice Beauty, which I think I like a lot.


I'm trying to wean myself off Clean & Clear's Dual Action Moisturizer, which was my favorite as a teen. I think my skin no longer likes it as much, and check out the ingredients:

Active Ingredients

Salicylic Acid 0.5% (Acne medication)

Inactive Ingredients

Aluminum Starch Octenylsuccinate, BHT, Cetearyl Alcohol, Ceteth-10 Phosphate, Dicaprylyl Ether, Dicetyl Phosphate, Dimethicone, Disodium EDTA, Fragrance, Glycerin, Lecithin, Magnesium Aluminum Silicate, Menthyl Lactate, Methyl Gluceth 20, Neopentyl Glycol Diethylhexanoate, Neopentyl Glycol Diisostearate, Sodium Hydroxide, Steareth-2, Steareth-20, Water, Xanthan Gum

Because of the aluminum starch octenylsuccinate, fragrance (which, if synthetic, often contains known carcinogens), and salicylic acid, it got a 7 from the folks at Skin Deep, where 0 is non-toxic, 4 is moderate hazard, and 7 is high hazard. Huh.

New beauty lines I'm trying: Juice Beauty, Aubrey Organics, Terranova, Organix (this one seems iffy, it's just my hair conditioner so I might switch.)

I don't want to obsess over this, obviously, but I do want to vote with my dollars and support companies that are producing less-toxic, less-wasteful products that are not tested on animals, are better for the environment in both production and waste-management, and are better for me.

Plus they smell really good and genuine.

Ideal Bite is a good website if you're interested in learning more. I plan to be the kind of doctor who supports tea as medicine :)

What's up with this whole dog vs. cat thing?

Wow.

I feel so shitty today, primarily because I just sat through two-hours of (not so funny) cat-hating jokes. My professor pretends to hate cats (he says), and then two of my "friends" decided to run with it for a good half-hour after class by making fun of my cat and predicting what would happen to her soul after she dies (i.e. will she go straight to hell or will she possess me?). Honestly, with friends like that! You know, I don't understand this. Why must you hate cats if you like dogs? Why can't you like both cats and dogs? That's so mean. It brings to mind little boys throwing stones at cats, or drowning kittens, or kicking puppies in the ribs. How can you be so cruel when you just don't understand animals?

And I had had such a nice day up till then. I went for a run, which is part of my program to get my butt in gear and run 5K eventually. Then I had a nice shower, then a nice lunch. My work is going to hell in a handbasket because all my family is here and last week was crazy with "social stuff" (which I'm beginning to think is totally not worth it)...

Anyway, I feel like crap. I tried to tell my mom about it and her reaction was, "Um, it's not big deal. Get over it. Why don't we talk about me?"

Whatever. I'm going to go feel sad for a while.

Whew!

Thank god exams are over. Right after Thanksgiving, which was really fun because we had a big get-together at my house with family and med school friends who couldn't go home for whatever reason, exams started. I definitely ate dessert before dinner on that one -- Thanksgiving was dessert, with all the fun and party planning and cute photos, and then the exams were dinner. Really godawful, indigestible dinner. They stretched out over two agonizing, sleepless weeks, to end just a few days before Christmas. We had a lovely, quiet Christmas at home, although my poor dad had to work. But I baked gingerbread and cookies from scratch, and cooked a jambalaya pasta dinner, and generally had fun in the kitchen.

I spent my break relaxing, sleeping, unwinding, and seeing family and old friends. I traveled quite a bit, to India and Singapore, but hopefully jet lag won't get in my way. We saw Singapore, which hasn't changed nearly as much as I thought it would have since we were last there, and India, where my uncle has started an organic farm. It's really beautiful, but it seems tough to manage. I saw cousins and uncles and aunts and nieces and nephews (!). I can't believe I'm old enough that my cousins are having babies. But then again, even my good friends from college are having/expecting kids already.

Work is going to pick up soon, but I haven't posted in a long time so I thought I would. For Christmas, I asked Santa for canvas and paint and stuff, so maybe I'll eventually be able to post my procrastination attempts.

I just got my grades back -- and, in spite of my best efforts, they're fine. It was so dumb -- I took way too many credits, thinking I could handle the workload, and then signed up for all kinds of activities, and by the time the end of the semester rolled around, I was miserable and sleep-deprived and trying really hard not to get sick. I'm really excited about the spring term, but I'm trying hard to minimize the number of activities and stuff I sign up for. One creative thing (painting), one athletic thing (riding) and one service thing (homeless clinic). That's it. Nothing else. All other commitments, except the most minor ones, will be curtailed. And I'm not taking any electives. None. Zip. Zero. Nada.

Okay, my computer's dying, so I'm going now. Bye!

And the work comes crashing down...

Now we're in the final month of the semester, and things are piling up quickly. This is the first weekend in the fall that I haven't done a single fun thing with classmates on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday. I just stayed home and worked. It's also cold and rainy out, which makes you want to drink hot chocolate in a cozy house, not potter around town.

My dad just got surgery for a partially detached retina; he told me the story and it sounded scary. I hope he's okay. I also haven't spoken to my brother in a while -- he got me a really nice birthday present and I have yet to thank him properly. I have the best family ever.

My cat has been glued to her soft heated basket, which plugs into the wall and keeps her paws warm via an element underneath. It has a safety release so it doesn't get too hot. She loves that thing. I don't think I'll be able to pry her out of it all winter. I bought it for her one Christmas and it's her absolute favorite present of all time.

Tomorrow I'm finally going riding! It's going to be a little tight to get there after the morning service, but hopefully it'll happen. And if the barn is on a rainy day schedule, I'll have extra time. Yay! I'm super excited. I haven't been riding since summer. I am currently working on my 2nd write-up of the weekend; I finally turned in the long-overdue one last night. I have written two sentences and it's eight-thirty at night. Oops. Oh, well. At least I did laundry and got enough sleep and registered for classes and sent some important mail. And yesterday I took a practice test I was supposed to take. Maybe tomorrow I'll actually have time to read ahead, imagine that. I wanted to take my bike out but it's wet outside.

I'm going to get this write-up done now; I really should just do it. The sooner the better, and I owe it to the patients I see. Besides, it'll be easier now because I'll actually remember what happened and be able to read my own handwriting. I have to work on my research and there are exams and two papers coming up that I should think about. Yowsers.

All play and no work make Jill a dull girl

Do you ever feel like you're being pleasantly co-opted by your friends and you never get any work done? That's been happening lately. I'm having lots of fun, but the residual guilt and stress from never getting enough work done around it is just getting to me. I've been going out for dinner and lunch almost every day. Unfortunately, I also have a ton of work right now; write-ups and studying and organizing for a free clinic and an 'aging-interest' student group. So I'm declaring the next few days my quiet time -- even though it's going to be Halloween, my favorite holiday of the year.

My birthday's coming up, and I think my biggest wish is a cup of tea, a good book, and a long nap. I also need to just slow down and take care of the basics, like tidy up, clean house, wash the car, buy groceries, that sort of thing. I've been out of my regular toothpaste for three days and am going through a travel size tube I had stashed away somewhere. I was thinking about throwing a Halloween party, but I just don't really want to. I'm not in a party mood, I'm in a curl-up-and-hibernate mood. Especially since the weather took a nosedive last night, and it's cold out. Beautiful, but cold. Last night, the cold was so soporific that I was sitting at my desk, trying to work, and Sleep just hit me. It was such a strong urge that I knew I'd either fall asleep in my chair or in bed, so I hit the sack.

My cat was being especially adorable yesterday in retaliation, since I spent the weekend out of town and away from her. She pilfered one of my political buttons and was batting it around the floor -- I think it said "No on Prop 4" or something -- and was batting it around the floor. Progressive kitty toys briefly with the idea of parental notification.

I really want to start riding again. I might try next semester, if my course schedule changes a little. It just makes life better. I called the stables for an evaluation, but they haven't called back. I think they close in winter; I'm not really sure. I miss the barn and the work and carrying heavy saddles around.

I saw a patient yesterday who was so sweet -- she called me 'honey' and 'sweetheart' and 'darling' etc. She was an elderly lady and seemed totally at ease, even comfortable, in the hospital. One of those people who is just not fazed by much. She was a pleasure to talk with. I was so tired that I don't think I did a stellar job, but she seemed happy, and hopefully I didn't say anything too offensive to the doctor I was working with (I made some jokes about being skinny and short, which may have backfired because of this doctor's physical attributes. Oops?). I think I'm finally starting to project a feeling of deserving to be there, which is a nice change from feeling really, really scared that I'm going to mess up or forget something totally important (which I did, but I've come to accept the fact that I'm learning and it will happen from time to time).

I'm having crampy retrosternal pain right now, so I'm either having a heart attack, hypokalemic from not eating enough bananas, or just thirsty and tired. Hopefully it's one of the latter two. I think that on Halloween, I'm going to go to a party if there is one, or else just stay at home with popcorn and hot chocolate and watch "Wait Till Dark" with Audrey Hepburn. Maybe I can coerce my boyfriend to do that with me? He probably will if I add apples. I usually love Halloween so much, and want to go out and party and get dressed up and have fun, but this year things have been kind of rough, and I've done my share of going out. I really just want to be a homebody, and maybe carve a pumpkin or try mirror divination:

A young lady seeks the face of her future husband in the mirror.

I should actually do something besides blog now. I miss having a life, and occasionally I'll try to have one, and then medical school will come crashing down to remind me that I've leased my soul to the establishment for right now. Hopefully it'll be a good investment.