Octobers will be Octobers, World Without End, Amen

Why is it that October always has a) beautiful weather, and b) many things going on in it? I took an afternoon walk today, just for fun, for the first time in forever. I live in a beautiful neighborhood, with interesting people having political arguments next to houses growing front yards of cacti and coffee shops containing more dogs than people. I always wonder how they have so much time on a Sunday -- don't they have to do work for tomorrow? And then I realize that while they may have work tomorrow, they probably don't use the weekends to catch up. Anyway, it was gorgeous outside: the air was crisp, the sky was blue, the clouds were fluffy, the flowers were blooming (hey, this is California), and the bay was visible in the distance. October weather always makes me turn inward, as if there's something in the air that whispers, "Fall is coming, batten down the hatches, focus." It makes me pensive and reflective.

This summer was so incredible, seeing A, J, S, B, M, and of course, that one good fortune I mentioned before. Getting engaged has brought a host of feelings and thoughts along with it, not the least of which are joy and gratitude. But sometimes strong emotions are the most difficult to describe, so I'll leave that be and think about it quietly.

This summer was full of friends and family, and it was amazing to get back in touch with them. One of my friends moved from the UK to Canada recently, and while I realize that it's not super close, it feels far closer. I've grown up moving around my whole life, so I do have a skewed sense of distance. I'm so grateful to people who are willing to travel all the way out here to visit! It's not easy and I realize that, but it means so much. Then again, my family and friends are scattered far and wide, but they are just as close to me as if they lived next door. I guess I'm realizing that maintaining close friendships across great distances is not only possible, but will probably be the norm for me throughout life. And more than ever before, I'm okay with it.

Our semester has been pretty intense. Alzheimer's, cancer, autoimmune diseases -- all our paper cases have been a little bit hard to deal with, because it's just one after another and I can't talk to the person, since it's "just" a case. But these diseases are real, I know real people who have to live with them, and I don't think we give ourselves a chance to recover sometimes. We are also doing inpatient psychiatry right now, and there are depths of suffering there which are invisible from the outside. The human mind plays the darkest tricks on us sometimes. I think the combination of the emotional and medical is getting everyone down a little bit. I'm lucky because I love fall so much that at least I have that to bolster me. And my loved ones, who are wonderful.

The other thing that's going on is my thesis. I emailed my committee yesterday with a timeline, and the first deadline is almost impossible. I don't know why I am sticking with it, other than that I'm stubborn and I really want this thesis done and out of the way! But it means that from now until the end of the month, I'm going to be coding interviews nonstop, which is tedium defined.

Lastly, many of my friends are feeling down. Why is everyone feeling bad at the same time? Is it seasonal? Is it educational? (The margin of error in med school is small enough that when life gets to be tough, the whole thing gets overwhelming.) Is it a quarter-life crisis? Is it just a coincidence? At least three people have explained that part of it is finding a mate -- they feel as though it's just not going to happen (these are brilliant, young, attractive people of both genders, btw). But two other people I also care about are not having that particular thought, they're just not happy. So if you're feeling low right now, I'm sending you hugs.

The sun is almost setting now, so I should get back to it. But the sunset will be beautiful. They always are near large bodies of water. I will never, ever get tired of sunsets. I wish I could fly, just at sunset, so I could be surrounded by pink and orange light at 1,000 feet. Wouldn't it be amazing to be in the sunset? And then to just go home and get on with life as if nothing had happened.

Next up: a cup of tea and some good old-fashioned work.

The Reign of My Inner Princess Is Over!!!

Many of us have one. The inner princess, or prince, in some cases, who always wants his or her way, consequences be damned. My inner princess has gotten so bad lately that she deserves her own blog post. She "doesn't wanna" do any work. She only wants to eat junk food. She wants to stay up late and sleep in. She wants to watch movies and read books all day long. Laundry? Ha. Dishes? Not a chance.

My inner princess was out of control. But her reign is over! Now, the Queen decides what to do and the Princess gets a treat for complying. So, write a paper -- watch a TV episode. Do a patient write-up, get a piece of chocolate. No whining.

If you were born with a natural talent for time management, I admire you. Although I can be very organized and too much of a perfectionist, unfortunately I also tend to procrastinate beyond any reasonable point in time, and I can be very absent-minded. A sad (but often hilarious) combination. Luckily, I stumbled upon flylady.com -- very pink, but also very practical. I don't follow the whole program, but what a great website for those of us who didn't grow up keeping house or doing regular chores and have no clue where to start! Literally, this website taught me how to keep my house clean. And I have to say, the house doesn't look too bad right now. Yay! One of my favorite acronyms: CHAOS = Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. Wow, did that ring true. Another useful philosophy: You can do anything for 15 minutes. I read that as "You can MAKE YOURSELF do anything for 15 minutes!"

The same principles, it turns out, apply to my work. If you plug away a little at a time, it gets done and you have time for fun. I haven't cured my procrastination, but at least I haven't flunked out of med school yet.

What A Summer

I turned around, and it was Labor Day! What happened? Well, summer happened, that's what. And what a summer it was...

I really can't believe it all happened in the same summer, so I might just have to blog about it in parts. I taught, I did research, I saw two of my best friends, I met up with three of my childhood best friends, and...I got engaged! So there's no way I can blog about it in one little post, but wow. I have been caught in a wave of amazingess.

I think it was the best summer ever. Stay tuned.

My Goal for May

So I'm currently transcribing interviews with the elder residents I'm consulting for my research, an evaluation of a retirement home program. I have hours and hours of transcription to go. I wanted to finish it all by June 1st, but I'm hoping to knock out the worst (i.e. longest) of the remaining ones before camp starts on Monday.

There. It's in black and white online. How much more real could it be?

:)

I'm cold and exhausted!

So I've been blogging about good days to guard myself against days like this one. It's now officially summer (last write up turned in, last meeting gone to! Yay), and B came up from SoCal to spend it with me. He's working, and I'm doing my research at home. It's like we're actually adults -- we've been getting up at 6 (okay, he gets up at 6; I've been shooting for 7), and going to bed around 10. Slightly nutty for two people who are usually on a 1 am to 9 am sleep schedule, but there you are.

Yesterday, I went riding. And, true to form for May in the Bay Area, it's been cold and foggy and drizzly and COLD. The barn was no exception, and all the horses were cranky. AJ, the horse I usually ride and love, tried with greater than usual vigor to bite me. He didn't manage, although he did nip a tiny bruise into my arm. He received a slap on the neck and a NO! for his troubles. But then we actually had a really good ride. One of our sweetest horses was acting up and bucking and just basically fooling around (our instructor checked to make sure he wasn't actually in pain because it's so weird for him to play around like that), but he settled down. However, I think he inspired AJ, who didn't do anything but was testing me the whole time (as in, now is she paying attention? How about now? Does she still want to do real work now? Look, why don't we just stand in the middle of the arena? No? But I wanna...). And on and on.

But we did get through the lesson, and we even got a halt to canter transition! It was slightly rough on my part, and AJ did a teensy buck as he departed in protest, but it was there. Next time, I was too subtle and he didn't hear me until I asked again. He's a LOVELY horse (pony?), but I need to read up on how to get him to let go of his nippy behavior. It's really off-putting.

Today, though, I was exhausted. Yesterday, tired from not riding in three weeks (another reason AJ was probably testing me), but today exhausted. With a threatening sore throat. And cold in spite of two warm blankets. B got up and was almost ready to go before I could drag myself out of bed (wow, I almost just typed 'the saddle'). Luckily, a hot cup of tea, the heater, a bowl of cereal, and some grapefruit juice have helped immensely.

Apparently some of my important passport-related documents have arrived, so I have to go pick them up. I might do that. And then I'm going to relax and work all day. Tonight, we're going to a dinner and music thing that should be pretty awesome. But urgh. If my muscles don't loosen up with some stretching, I'll take an Advil. That'll teach me to take time off riding.

Luckily, camp starts next week!! A whole week of horses, horses, horses. Now, I just have to do enough work that I can do camp with a clear conscience.

The Barn: a good way to wake up

DF&F,

Today I had a good day, and I want to make a note of it so that when I'm down in the dumps or sleep-deprived or stressing out on Sunday night because of our Monday exam, going, "Do I really want/need to be a doctor?" -- I'll remember that not all days suck, and some of them rock.

I went to the barn this morning, and rode Applejack. This horse is adorable, except for his habit of trying to eat my fingers. He's head-shy and he's been spoiled with too many treats before his workout, so he both expects carrots all the time and doesn't want you fussing near his face. BUT I managed to tack him up without too much drama, and then we went down to the ring. It was a glorious blue-sky day, and AJ did EVERYTHING I wanted him to. He was in high spirits, and the poor lil pony wanted to canter the whole time, but we only cantered once during the lesson. He needed to just shake his feet out and run. He's a dun pony with a stripe down his back, and I love riding him. Maybe, if I can ride him, I'll get up the confidence to be in the show...

Anyhow, then I came home and FINISHED the write-up that had been plaguing me (yes, the one about the 7 yr. old child that I wished the Write-Up Fairy would do for me). My friends are holding a study session tomorrow, which means I have to read LOs about one of our hardest cases, but that's okay, since I'll have to study it anyway and this will force me to. And I also have one last, lingering write-up. I'm up in the air as to whether I should just finish it now, or whether I should study for tomorrow and then do the write-up in the morning. Sigh. I should be better at finals strategy by now, this is the twentieth final exam period I've had in my life!

And my mom, dad (who's here from Japan), and I went and had a grand old time at a chaat house. Yum. I had dhai batata puri, which is puffed up mini-puris with chickpeas and potatoes and yogurt and tamarind and spices. And I brought aloo tikki cholle home with me for exam studying.

And then I found an abstract online from my old lab, with my name on it! It's from the Society of Developmental Biology meetings -- the abstracts get published in the journal. Apparently, my old lab went last year. Plus, yesterday, I found out that I got a grant for the summer, so I won't have to be poor and work at Pete's Coffee to support my thesis writing. I just have to figure out the details.

Yay!

Now, back to work!!

Full of Shit

I'm so full of shit sometimes. I just thought I would publicly acknowledge that I am fully aware of that. But it's fun to be me!!