The Christmas Uncertainty Principle

Certain pairs of physical properties cannot both be known to arbitrary precision. The more precisely one property is known, the less precisely the other can be known.

In our family, the Christmas Uncertainty Principle applies to both brothers and fathers. The more you know about the exact distance from home of said male, the less you know about his ETA. The more certain you become of his ETA, the less you know of his distance from home.

Allow me to illustrate. Currently, my brother and father are in Vegas and Tokyo, respectively. When are they coming home? I have no idea.

However, when each was on a plane over, I knew their arrival time to the nearest five minutes. But I couldn't have told you where they were.

So wags the world away.

Uh-oh. I just woke up. And no, it wasn't a dream.

So it's the middle of December. WHERE THE F&^# HAS MY BRAIN BEEN ALL SEMESTER?!?!

It's like I've been on autopilot for three months academically, while I dealt with a host of personal/emotional/ identity-building stuff, and meanwhile, I thought that my academics would just sit around and wait for me to come back from outer space. But no, it's December. And I didn't dream it: the fall semester is pretty much over (or it will be by Monday).

There is, indeed, an unfinished thesis to finish. Yes, there is that matter of that one tiny, dreadful, 8-hour-long quiz known as the Boards coming up way sooner than I thought. And no, I will never get those three months of my life back. Literally the only thing I remember from the entire semester right now seems to be the snack we ate in class thrice a week. People have been bringing in really nice bread and cheese and chocolate. Especially chocolate. I mean, I'm sure I learned some medicine too, since I did do my final exams without failing them -- but goodness, I have such amnesia right now.

My class celebrated the end of our last fall semester ever at the JMP with a succession of three (3) parties. The first was on Thursday night and was at a professor's house. This professor, who I'll call G because that's what his name starts with, is sort of a music fanatic. He has guitars. He has microphones. He definitely has a piano. Plus enough sheet music to paper the walls of his very large, very nice house. I can't even tell you how therapeutic it was to get there and just belt out every non-obscene song I knew. At times, I didn't even care if I was in tune, I just needed to sing. I had forgotten why I sang in high school. It's cause high school, like medical school, is a very emotional and academically challenging time in your life (especially if you're an idiot and take math-chem-physics higher). And singing gives you that endorphin rush you get when you exercise, without the sweat.

There were maybe four or five of us who sang/played/rocked out until 3 am that night. And, exhausted as I was, I came home feeling all glowy because although I do not claim any great talent, catharsis will do that to you.

The second party was sadder and shorter, as it was a going away party for C. The stupid bay bridge closed at 11 pm, which meant I could only spend a few hours there. But it was nice to have just the third year classmates together to celebrate the end of a mini-era and wish C well for the next stage of her adventure (which I'm pretty sure will turn out to be a fabulous one). She's moving to the East Coast, where there is Real Snow (not the magical but nearly invisible flurries we saw on Monday and Wednesday up at the campus).

Then, Saturday was W&D's housewarming. Again, I stayed out late. Really late. But I met kids from my alma mater, so randomly. A friend of a friend of a friend brought people I actually knew and hadn't seen in about three years to this party! And then one housemate's sister goes to school in the same town (in Southeast Asia!) as my high school. To top it off, my classmates (other than E & C) finally got to meet my brother, who is my physical opposite and a gentle giant. Since they knew all about him from our class meetings, he was totally spooked and later told my mom it was the "weirdest party ever." People kept coming up to him and saying, "Hey A! How's Vegas?" and he was like, "Um. How do you know my name and where I live?!"

So Saturday was good, especially the catching up with old friends.

However: the parties woke me up out of my little cocoony haze. I couldn't believe fall was over. I couldn't believe winter break was around the corner. And I couldn't believe, and still can't, just how much work is coming my way.

Eep.

Mmmm...Fall Is Delicious

Every year, the weather gets colder. The days get shorter. The to-do list gets longer. Halloween comes, and then you know winter's coming. I love fall like no other season, and part of the reason for that is food. So here, in no particular order, are the ten foods I most look forward to every fall:

1. Pumpkin Pie
2. Mulled Apple Cider
3. Soy Nog
4. Gingerbread
5. Pumpkin Citrus Soup
6. Mushroom Soup
7. Butternut squash
8. Persimmons
9. Pomegranates
10. Peppermint hot chocolate w/mini marshmallows

I went shopping today, and I have the makings for six out of ten of these in the house as I type. I plan to have everything for Christmas! Yum.

Getting back on the blog train

So when I started this blog, it was basically to post about life in medical school, for my own sake as well as the sake of my family and friends. But as my mom pointed out, "If you don't blog, people can't know what's going on."

This is true. So in the spirit of journalistic blogging, I would like to report a few current events from med school life in the Bay Area.

1. The Bay Bridge is in deep trouble. Wait, so they repair a crack. While repairing the crack, they conduct a rare bridge inspection and they find another crack, which they repair. They open the bridge, only to have a repaired part fall on three cars and injure someone. Are they joking? This is not a LEGO toy!

2. My family and friends are so nice. They all sent messages wishing me a happy birthday, either online or by phone. They couldn't have known how stressed I was -- so thank you!! It warms the heart. Now, to properly respond with a personal thank-you is the tricky part.

3. Med school is hard. Especially the fall when you are trying to finish your research, figure out the boards, and keep up with clinical skills while maintaining a decent level of clean food and clothing availability.

4. On Monday, I participated in the first admissions panel of the season after doing interviews. Helping decide who should get an acceptance letter is hard, much harder than writing interview reports but not sitting on the committee (as I did in undergrad). It's also kind of a trip to work with the people who admitted you.

5. On Tuesday, I interviewed someone coming down off a psychotic episode, afraid of losing their job*, kids, and sense of normal life. It struck a chord because of someone I know whose similar episode did not have a happy ending. *I use 'their' as a gender-neutral pronoun. I know it's incorrect.

6. This morning, a 4th year made a comment about how labor and delivery are gross and smell bad, which was an indirect response to my comment about how I thought labor and delivery was scary (the act of delivering a baby, not delivering someone else's!!). Wimpy students who can't stand the sights and smells shouldn't be allowed in L&D. Grow a backbone, the mother is going through it, isn't she? For shame. Anyway, that triggered thoughts about how society defines successful women, successful doctors, successful wives, mothers, etc. How family does not seem to take part in the US brand of feminism, etc.

Lots to think about. But isn't there always?

Octobers will be Octobers, World Without End, Amen

Why is it that October always has a) beautiful weather, and b) many things going on in it? I took an afternoon walk today, just for fun, for the first time in forever. I live in a beautiful neighborhood, with interesting people having political arguments next to houses growing front yards of cacti and coffee shops containing more dogs than people. I always wonder how they have so much time on a Sunday -- don't they have to do work for tomorrow? And then I realize that while they may have work tomorrow, they probably don't use the weekends to catch up. Anyway, it was gorgeous outside: the air was crisp, the sky was blue, the clouds were fluffy, the flowers were blooming (hey, this is California), and the bay was visible in the distance. October weather always makes me turn inward, as if there's something in the air that whispers, "Fall is coming, batten down the hatches, focus." It makes me pensive and reflective.

This summer was so incredible, seeing A, J, S, B, M, and of course, that one good fortune I mentioned before. Getting engaged has brought a host of feelings and thoughts along with it, not the least of which are joy and gratitude. But sometimes strong emotions are the most difficult to describe, so I'll leave that be and think about it quietly.

This summer was full of friends and family, and it was amazing to get back in touch with them. One of my friends moved from the UK to Canada recently, and while I realize that it's not super close, it feels far closer. I've grown up moving around my whole life, so I do have a skewed sense of distance. I'm so grateful to people who are willing to travel all the way out here to visit! It's not easy and I realize that, but it means so much. Then again, my family and friends are scattered far and wide, but they are just as close to me as if they lived next door. I guess I'm realizing that maintaining close friendships across great distances is not only possible, but will probably be the norm for me throughout life. And more than ever before, I'm okay with it.

Our semester has been pretty intense. Alzheimer's, cancer, autoimmune diseases -- all our paper cases have been a little bit hard to deal with, because it's just one after another and I can't talk to the person, since it's "just" a case. But these diseases are real, I know real people who have to live with them, and I don't think we give ourselves a chance to recover sometimes. We are also doing inpatient psychiatry right now, and there are depths of suffering there which are invisible from the outside. The human mind plays the darkest tricks on us sometimes. I think the combination of the emotional and medical is getting everyone down a little bit. I'm lucky because I love fall so much that at least I have that to bolster me. And my loved ones, who are wonderful.

The other thing that's going on is my thesis. I emailed my committee yesterday with a timeline, and the first deadline is almost impossible. I don't know why I am sticking with it, other than that I'm stubborn and I really want this thesis done and out of the way! But it means that from now until the end of the month, I'm going to be coding interviews nonstop, which is tedium defined.

Lastly, many of my friends are feeling down. Why is everyone feeling bad at the same time? Is it seasonal? Is it educational? (The margin of error in med school is small enough that when life gets to be tough, the whole thing gets overwhelming.) Is it a quarter-life crisis? Is it just a coincidence? At least three people have explained that part of it is finding a mate -- they feel as though it's just not going to happen (these are brilliant, young, attractive people of both genders, btw). But two other people I also care about are not having that particular thought, they're just not happy. So if you're feeling low right now, I'm sending you hugs.

The sun is almost setting now, so I should get back to it. But the sunset will be beautiful. They always are near large bodies of water. I will never, ever get tired of sunsets. I wish I could fly, just at sunset, so I could be surrounded by pink and orange light at 1,000 feet. Wouldn't it be amazing to be in the sunset? And then to just go home and get on with life as if nothing had happened.

Next up: a cup of tea and some good old-fashioned work.

The Reign of My Inner Princess Is Over!!!

Many of us have one. The inner princess, or prince, in some cases, who always wants his or her way, consequences be damned. My inner princess has gotten so bad lately that she deserves her own blog post. She "doesn't wanna" do any work. She only wants to eat junk food. She wants to stay up late and sleep in. She wants to watch movies and read books all day long. Laundry? Ha. Dishes? Not a chance.

My inner princess was out of control. But her reign is over! Now, the Queen decides what to do and the Princess gets a treat for complying. So, write a paper -- watch a TV episode. Do a patient write-up, get a piece of chocolate. No whining.

If you were born with a natural talent for time management, I admire you. Although I can be very organized and too much of a perfectionist, unfortunately I also tend to procrastinate beyond any reasonable point in time, and I can be very absent-minded. A sad (but often hilarious) combination. Luckily, I stumbled upon flylady.com -- very pink, but also very practical. I don't follow the whole program, but what a great website for those of us who didn't grow up keeping house or doing regular chores and have no clue where to start! Literally, this website taught me how to keep my house clean. And I have to say, the house doesn't look too bad right now. Yay! One of my favorite acronyms: CHAOS = Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. Wow, did that ring true. Another useful philosophy: You can do anything for 15 minutes. I read that as "You can MAKE YOURSELF do anything for 15 minutes!"

The same principles, it turns out, apply to my work. If you plug away a little at a time, it gets done and you have time for fun. I haven't cured my procrastination, but at least I haven't flunked out of med school yet.

What A Summer

I turned around, and it was Labor Day! What happened? Well, summer happened, that's what. And what a summer it was...

I really can't believe it all happened in the same summer, so I might just have to blog about it in parts. I taught, I did research, I saw two of my best friends, I met up with three of my childhood best friends, and...I got engaged! So there's no way I can blog about it in one little post, but wow. I have been caught in a wave of amazingess.

I think it was the best summer ever. Stay tuned.