There but for the grace of God go I...

...where on earth have I been for the last month? Oof. That is truly the million-dollar question, but the answer is pretty much what you'd expect from a medical student in her last two months of her second/third year of a joint MD/MS program: studying. And finishing things. And starting things. With a touch of freaking out underlying it all.

Anyway, today I've got my typewriting skills back, because today was the day I PASSED the USMLE Step 1! Now, I didn't pass 'with flying colors' or streaks of glory or smears of superiority or any such thing. Oh, no. I passed by the very skin of my teeth -- which is not cool nor is it characteristic of my attitude towards exams. I usually like exams and do well at them. But that is another blog for another day. Today, I simply sigh a big sigh of relief. I passed. I passed. Thank the Lord above, I passed.

Which means: I can move forward with rotations. I don't have to call the nice patients in my longitudinal patient panel to tell them that no, I won't be seeing them at their appointments this year after all. I don't have to take time off to retake the test. I can graduate on time, hopefully, and some day be an actual doctor. I can actually enjoy myself (or try to) this year. I can start looking forward to the next set of exams. I can actually make friends with my new classmates/teammates/preceptors/attending doctors. And -- and this is the big and -- I can focus on learning medicine in all its nitty-gritty, terrible beauty.

And: I can help plan a wedding (yay x 1000), find a summer sublet, hang out with friends and B more, and be a less grouchy sister to my younger brother, who has moved home! Good times. Plus, my adorable and slightly plump, middle-aged Siamese cat will get more attention, not to mention my long-suffering parents. Today is honestly one of the most beautiful days I have ever seen. Fluffy white clouds, blue skies, sunshine, eucalyptus trees -- and a passing score.

A passing score, by the skin of my teeth. When I saw it, I felt my heart racing, the same feeling you get when you're hiking and you almost step off a cliff by mistake. Phew. And now, finally, I can say my classroom years have come to a close. I can finally let them go. And I'm mourning them, because I can't remember a time when I wasn't a student in a classroom whose job was to learn. And now I'm a student in the real world, an apprentice-student-doctor, being given real responsibility (with supervision) for real people with real problems who need actual help. The classroom of life.

So far, I'm on my third day of clinical rotations. I have seen two patients entirely on my own, many with my preceptors, and I have six patients who are "mine" -- I will follow them throughout the year and be at any of their appointments I can make it to. My rotation is a longitudinal one, which means I do ALL the core disciplines at once: family, internal, OB/GYN, pediatrics, psychiatry, neurology, surgery, etc. It's been AMAZING. It's been like a dream come true. And my preceptors have been really great teachers so far. And the patients, of course, are the entire point. That's the reason you wake up early (very early!) in the morning. Eventually, the goal is for me to have roughly 60 patients of my "own" for the year -- which is nothing when you realize that the average clinician carries about 1000 patients on a regular basis. But of course, we're just starting out.

I will be blogging more now -- so much to write about, so little time!

But I will never, ever forget, in exams or in life: There but for the grace of God go I.